Conspiracy Theory: BBQ Chicken Pizza

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Not pizza. Not even close. Insulting to other pizza.

Let me start by saying, I love that the Sox booted Digiorno and brought in Beggars.  I went to about 35 games last year and had about 70 slices of Beggars.  However, one of the items added to the food at the Cell this year is BBQ Chicken Pizza.  And much like Public Enemy told us years ago, Don’t Believe the Hype.  Now, I’m sure plenty of you enjoy this food, but I’ve got a lot of problems with BBQ Chicken Pizza and now you’re gonna hear em.

Not Pizza

Main ingredients: Dough, BBQ sauce, Chicken, Mozzarella Cheese.  That sounds like quite a nice sandwich you made for yourself.  What’s that?  It’s pizza? No it’s not.  I don’t care how you organize the sandwich, it’s not pizza.  You have to believe bagel pizza is a thing and cheese-less pizza is a thing if you want to believe this is pizza.  If I were to take two Vespas and put em right next to each other, it didn’t make it a car.  It’s two damn Vespas.  Laying these ingredients out in a pizza formation is just a lie and I won’t stand for it.

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Not Healthier

At some point, some ad-wizard convinced people that chicken was health food (no matter how it was prepared)!  Don’t believe me?  Remember KFC trying to call themselves Kitchen Fresh Chicken?  It’s not as bad as what they try with fish: I drove past Lawrence’s one day and saw a sign up that said “Get Fit, Eat More Fish.”  Holy shit, are you serious?  My cholesterol went up just reading that sign.

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But I digress.  The point is, getting this bbq chicken monstrosity is no healthier than getting pepperoni or sausage pizza, you know real pizza.  You’re not doing yourself any favors by choosing chicken.  You’re a slob like me and you’re probably gonna stop at Arby’s on your way home anyway.  I’ll see you there.

It’s blocking other pizza prospects

This is similar to the arguments I hear about steroids and Michael Jordan’s baseball career.  People who use steroids block other prospects from getting into pro baseball, Jordan was taking a spot from a kid committed to playing baseball.  I am finally on the cry-baby side of this argument and I love it.  BBQ Chicken Pizza takes a spot away from other possible delicious pizza options.  We probably all have different opinions on the varieties we would choose, but I would bet they don’t have BBQ sauce or chicken involved.

Question to the 3 people that read this

If a friend invited you over for pizza and you showed up to find BBQ Chicken Pizza, your disappointment would most likely be at the level of:

  • First time you got dumped?
  • Found out there was no Santa Claus?
  • Watched Big Frank hit his 500th HR in a different jersey?

-Chorizy-E

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