Bandwagon Cubs Fans, Repent!

Folks, its your old buddy BeefLoaf…………this is a special post, a playoff baseball post.  This is a post that should help you and more importantly, your Cubs fan friends, enjoy baseball this time of year.  A recent series of discussions between the 108ers helped us identify that most of OUR friends that claim their fandom to the Northside team, are very, very casual fans and few, if any, actually attended, or even so much as watched or listened to games during their extended hiatus from playoff baseball.  Now, this isn’t a sin in the biblical sense, but it is a sin of fandom if you intend to sport your Cubbie blue all over the goddamn place and choose to be obnoxious to your fellow Southsider that has been living and dying with an awful team for 8 years.  So upon further review (no worries, Mike Carey isn’t advising us), I decided to create a list of things that the bandwagon Cubs fans can do to repent and feel full enjoyment for this current playoff run.  White Sox fans, please pass this list on to your Cubs fan friends and together we can live in harmony, like ebony and ivory.
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Re-embrace Sammy Sosa………..I’m tired of it, as Cubs fans, you love Sammy Sosa, so I want you to bring him back in to your life….I think hanging an 8×11 photo of him in your den should do the trick.  Extra credit for hanging a picture of “White” Sammy Sosa
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Buy an old school shirsey………….I’d suggest EITHER something from your childhood, whatever era that might be (I’m in my late 30’s so a Manny Trillo shirsey might be fun)………..OR a guy that none of the other bandwagon fans know who the fuck they are…….like 2012 All Star Bryan LaHair
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Drink nothing but Old Style for an entire playoff game.  It used to be the main beer at the park on Sheffield and Addison, so go nostalgic and knock back some Old Style
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Rewatch Glenallen Hill’s May 11, 2000 monster fucking home run.  It’s seriously the longest fucking home run I have ever seen (I don’t care what the record books say).  And it’s so easy to find in the YouTube era, so go check it out.  If it is your first time viewing it, please watch it in private, because it’s NSFW
Adopt some vintage Cubs styles to your personal ensemble……I’ll leave this to your imagination, but a couple of things that would really endear you to the hard core Cubs fans and your White Sox brethren as well would be getting a perm like 80’s closer Lee Smith, or possibly an I ❤️ Sandy Sandberg tattoo, you know, something really classy
Say it out loud, so all can hear…”FUCK RYAN DEMPSTER AND HIS STUPID FUCKING IMPRESSION OF WILL FARRELL DOING HARRY CARAY!!!!” We all know this sucks, and I’m still not sure why this is allowed to be on TV.  You’ll be considered part of the die-hards if you say this blows

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Make sure others know that you blame Alex Gonzalez and Dusty Baker’s over usage of Mark Prior in game 2, for the 2003 team’s NLCS collapse, and NOT Steve Bartman.
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Create a macaroni statue of your favorite current player or coach, I’d suggest Chris Bosio as it would take the most possible macaroni of any person in the dugout.   Don’t let him near your statue though, I doubt he could resist, as it appears his self control around the table is in question.
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Get into a bar fight with Kyle Farnsworth.  To be honest, most of you  have probably already done this, or if you are woman, you have been sloppily hit on by him, so this is probably the least necessary one on the list, but I’ll leave it on here for those that were incarcerated or underage during those years.

Godspeed.

 – BeefLoaf

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