Good day fam, it’s your buddy BeefLoaf. I got rebuild on the brain (well that and booze….and Anna Nicole Smith…..the intoxicated, overfed version, ldo). The White Sox are doing the most obvious things in this rebuild (except trading Jose Quintana, which is giving me irritable bowel syndrome), but they haven’t gotten to the point where they do some things that really utilize their organizational strengths to create additional arbitrage opportunities for this rebuild. Then it hit me, TRADE THE SODFATHER!!
I know, it sounds crazy, because every Sox game you have ever attended, in which we get a little (or a lot) of rain. You know, those games where we are forced back into the concourse or up the ramps to take shelter (SN – Shout out to those hustling beer vendors that follow us up the ramps to take shelter and to sell us more beer, those are real life heroes). There is always one overserved Sox fan that offers the same refrain “Don’t Worry, the Sodfather will take care of this”. Roger Bossard is pretty much the biggest celebrity left on the “roster”. The man was high end landscaping royalty and basically born into the trade. He takes more interviews than most teams GMs. He’s an organizational advantage going back to the days when Ozzie and RV were manning the left side of the infield with excellent defense. Now, someone on his staff has to be able to pick up the pieces from here, making him tradeable. I have not run a model or anything to see how valuable a man of the Sodfather’s expertise would be worth (let’s be honest, I have no idea how to run such a model, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing columns at a 3rd grade reading level for some blog nobody reads). Regardless, let’s take our best guess and figure out what teams and what return makes the most sense for the man with the big hose.
Los Angeles Dodgers for Austin Barnes C
Andrew Friedman is a man that is known for taking advantage of any market inefficiency. It is very possible that he already has a high end grounds keeper that nobody even knows about, but when you can get the best, you get the best. With an oversized young SS and an aging 3B, it makes a lot of sense to have the Sodfather in tow to get the most out of their infield defense. I predict sort of a high grass arrangement (hey, California just legalized, so it is what is). Austin Barnes is an easy ask, because they have Grandal for the forseeable future and the free agent catcher market is pretty cheap, so it makes sense for all parties.
Oakland Athletics for Dakota Chalmers RHP
Another franchise that likes to win on the margins, and lately, they haven’t been winning anything, so maybe this is exactly what they need. A lot of people don’t remember, but the A’s let MC Hammer be their batboy after he went broke. This team knows how to squeeze out any bit of value they can from a situation. They also employ Marcus Semien at SS, so the Sodfather is going to have his work cut out for him. He might even mix some taffy into the infield dirt to help Semien pick up the ball, possibly some quicksand at the front edge to slow it down and maybe even a handful of bullfrogs in the grass on the left side just for aesthetics. Chalmers sounds like he could be some ex-porn stars son, but alas, he’s nothing more exciting than a guy who projects to be in someones bullpen some day. If that doesn’t get your motor running, nothing will.
Tampa Bay Rays for Casey Gillaspie 1B
I know the Rays have artificial turf, don’t sass me boy! The Sodfather can work around this, he’s the Wiz and nobody beats him! Anyway, I just imagine he could fashion amusing creations on the infield dirt that would keep the hundreds of Rays season ticket holders enthralled. It is possible there is a way to comb the artificial surface in a productive way, I bet it will keep Evan Longoria’s defense in the plus side of the ledger well into his 30’s. Gillaspie is brothers with Conor Gillaspie, former White Sox 3B and current jovial gent. He’s supposed to be able to hit, a little bit, but most scouts think he doesn’t have a lot of power and he has to play 1B. Hey, they can’t all be winners!
I’m not sure if Jerry would allow any of this action, because as you all know, he’s very loyal and Bossard has been here for the long haul, but the more I think about it, the more I think the heads groundskeeper is basically a glorified janitor, so squeezing some value out of him has to happen!