A few weeks back we got a question for the Sunday Soak (on Saturday), by friend of the blog and the host of the Sox Machine podcast Josh Nelson, asking what food items we would add this season to the bevy of choices at Sox Park. My answer during the Soak was an answer that I have had percolating in my semi-functioning brain for the past decade or so, Beef Jerky. I’m very satisfied with that answer, but it sort of brought me to a deeper point in why I (and Chorizy-E) don’t really eat much at the ballpark and what types of foods might inspire me to eat at the ballpark more. You see, when you are #108ing, it usually involves a tall frosty brew, possibly 2 of them as the crew often gets themselves “backed up” as we call it in the business. So we have one brew in “the holster” (ie the cup holder behind the seat in front of you) and one on the ground (where, by the way, it’s perfectly safe to eat a soft pretzel that MAY have rested there for moments after a celebration mishap), not to mention, we are likely involved in a conversation involving Seinfeld, Music, a previous trip / vacation or possibly even the White Sox and baseball. We might also have our phones out tweeting the next most recent mundane, marginally humorous, thought that crosses our mind. You get the picture, we got a lot going on in the 108 at any given moment, so the last thing we need is a food items that takes two hands and a tv dinner tray to eat. If it requires a fork, it can fuck off. We need convenience. A slice of pizza is convenient, a hot dog is convenient, because you can palm these like one of those mini-basketballs that they used to make in the 90’s with your favorite NBA team on them and throw that shit down. Here is a short list of my other favorite foods that fit that bill and would be a perfect fit for Sox Park. As Chorizy-E always says “we know Brooks Boyer is listening”, so here I go…….
Beef Jerky (Time)
As I said on the broadcast, there isn’t a single better addition to the ballpark food selection, in my mind, than some local, premium Beef Jerky. I think you could charge a decent price for it too, as it is the perfect compliment to a tall, cold Modelo. I know the 108ers would indulge quite frequently and it would surely enhance our ballpark experience. Most importantly though, it is a very convenient food, as I can one hand stab that chit and still drink brews and tweet and possibly even watch Adam Engel strike out on 3 pitches.
Look, I know what you are going to say, I can just see it now on twitter “Popcorn balls suck” and then some lunatic is going to go to the mattresses defending PopCorn balls like it was his Mom’s honor. I don’t mean to cause such distress in an otherwise peaceful twitterverse. PopCorn balls have a tortured history for people our age, because it was a special treat to get a PopCorn ball and actually get to eat it. I remember we would occasionally see them on Halloween when the weird guy with no kids down the block that looked like he worked a job with his hands and would always be dirty like a mechanic, but was on disability would sit on his porch with his German Shepherd and hand them out. But back then, you couldn’t eat such a delectable treat from such a trustworthy gift giver. NOPE! There was widespread fear that these items had RAZOR BLADES in them. Do you remember that? Do you remember your folks vigorously searching through your Halloween candy to ensure its safety? If only they vigorously checked and helped you with your homework back then you wouldn’t be unemployed from your gas pumping job in Oregon because those stupid legislators now believe it is safe for people to pump their own gas. I digress, it was PopCorn Balls and Apples that were supposedly injected with RAZOR BLADES. Can you imagine the patience and attention to detail it would take to get a RAZOR BLADE into either of these items and avoid detection so that the unsuspecting child bit into it and cut up their face? Well, my parents and lots of other parents could, so we couldn’t really eat PopCorn balls…..but guess what, if the White Sox were to sell them at the ballpark, now you can, and there probably aren’t even too many of the RAZOR BLADE ones left from the 1990’s. Sure the PopCorn ball isn’t really that good, but imagine the PopCorn ball fight that could break out in the 108 after last call. If memory serves, the PopCorn ball is a little heavier and a little less curvier than a whiffle ball, so it would be loads of fun.
According to MySoxSummer, they already have empanadas at Sox Park, but since I don’t believe his recall is accurate on said things, we trudge on. Empanadas also fit the bill as being a one handed food experience. Jim Abbott could crush an empanada without using his non-throwing hand, so you know its good. If you haven’t had an empanada before, SHAME. ON. YOU. I think local restaurant Nana should supply them because they make the best empanadas around. The way an empanada is put together, you can actually cheers the ends of the empanada with your neighbor before you take the first bite and break it open. It’s a perfect celebratory food for the ballpark!
There is no more Bridgeportian treat on this list than Cannolis. No, I am not talking about the bastardized mini cannolis (which are delicious as well), I am talking about a fucking full sized Cannoli. There are many spots in Bridgeport that make a fine cannoli and could be able to sling them at games. Again, the cannoli is a one handed treat, that a person can eat and tweet with. If Chorizy-E and I can ever get one of the local joints to sponsor it, we intend to do a Cannoli eating competition, possibly with some of you folks, but it’s still a work in progress. Until then, Cannolis are fucking terrific and should be a main part of the ballpark that is in Bridgeport (Bonita Steakie would tell me, daddy, it’s actually Armour Square….she can go pound sand).
While we are on the dessert tip, let me just bring in something from our Japanese brothers and sisters. Mochi is Japanese ice cream, with a thin, dumpling-like case around it. Not only do the Japanese make weird flavors like Green Tea that turn out to be fucking delicious, but these are hella easy to eat given the outter casing. Only one draw back is that they have a light dusting of powdered sugar on the outside, but it’s not that the big of a deal because 25% of the adults sitting in the outfield corners / bleachers are doing blow in bathrooms anyway. Just think if Rick Hahn would’ve gotten off his ass and brought in some Mochi for the meeting with Shohei Ohtani, we might not have to pretend that Carson Fulmer is a starting pitcher. Now, some of you will say, look we have a few different ice cream options at the ballpark, and YES, those options are good, including Dip n’ Dots (which I enjoy as well), but Mochi is far superior in fitting the criteria I have laid out as well as tasting great!
This could be the Cadillac of stadium foods and yet, the #WhiteSox who trot out basically everything as a potential food item don’t take it seriously. There are numerous restaurants in Bridgeport’s neighborhood cousin Chinatown that make a mean Hom Bao. The two main versions are BBQ Pork or Ham and Egg. Both are delicious, both would go great with a tall, cold Modelo. They are also super easy to eat, as they are basically a closed, or semi closed sandwich. This is the type of snack that allows you to make a passionate case for why trading Nick Swisher to the Yankees was a bad idea and not lose any of the contents of the Hom Bao. As kids, Chorizy-E and I crushed many Hom Bao’s on Sunday mornings (typically leading up to a Bears game, you know, when they were good)…..although Chorizy-E is a pussy and doesn’t like Eggs so he’d de-Egg his, but still, its a fine sandwich. I think if properly marketed, the Hom Bao would crush at #WhiteSox games. Brooks, book it!
Food for the passionate White Sox fan.