The Battle For The Crosstown Cup Begins Today!

This weekend the Sox travel up north to take on the Cubs. Expected to pitch are Fulmer vs Chatwood, Shields vs Lester and Giolito vs Hendricks. I can see Fulmer coming out and pitching his heart out, but I can also see a drubbing. Much like all the other matchups. It’d also be really awesome to see Giolito get out of his funk. But mostly, like we said on Chi Sox Weekly, we’d like to see the Sox rent some space in Lester’s head while Big Game James RIPS SHIT UP. More than likely we’ll get swept, but we can dream right? So let’s talk about the matchup that we have a chance of winning…….

SOUTHPAW VERSUS CLARK THE CUB

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I am gonna judge these guys in 5 categories. Importance to the Team, Looks, Smarts, Friends and Outreach. Let’s get going!

Importance To The Team

Southpaw has been around since June 13th, 2004. He broke a 16 year streak of no mascots on the Southside. Previously we had Ribbie and Roobarb. And lest we forget Chorizy’s favorite Andy The Clown, who was an unofficial pedo.. mascot. Southpaw has 14 years under his belt, he’s a vet.

Clark on the other hand was introduced in 2014. Previously there was Billy The Cub who hung outside Wrigley taking pics, looking for tips. Billy and I have lots of mutual friends, but I have no idea who he is exactly. The Cubs did not accept him but rather straight ripped off the idea and made their own mascot. Very northside of them.

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So fucking creepy and classy. No pants on Billy either, WTF?

Some people saw this photo before they even knew who Clark was –

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This image ran on Comcast Sports which was hilarious. But it brings up a really important question…..why no pants brah? Much like Allen in The Hangover, no pants and makes you feel really uncomfortable in his presence. Especially with his crotch right up in your face.

Gotta give the edge to our beloved Southpaw for his years of service and wearing pants around underage children.

Winner – Southpaw.

Looks

Southpaw is some type of animal, not really as crazy as the Philly Phanatic, but rather a more sleek refined animal. Green with yellow highlights. he looks great in his uniform or any costume that he wears on many of the theme nights that the Sox have in hopes of drawing a larger crowd. We got a good looking mascot fam. Ain’t no doubt.

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Clark seems really happy on the outside. Almost too happy, like he’s popping pills happy. His face can also be mistaken for anger. Just look at this pic, dude looks pissed off!

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Again, I gotta take Southpaw as he just isn’t as scary looking as a bear with fangs…..wearing no pants.

Winner – Southpaw.

Smarts

To be fully honest I have never seen anything that would lead me to believe that either one of these guys is dumb or smart. So I am gonna declare it a tie.

Tie.

Friends.

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The Chicago Mascot Club seems to all get along pretty well. Note that there are only 2 mascots not wearing pants in the pic above. They are clearly the guys at the party who have been over-served and need to get a Lyft home. But they won’t, cause they “aren’t that drunk” and they “know better than you” so they’ll just run off all the fun girls at the party cause they refuse to leave.

I will say that there isn’t a Cubs night at the Bulls game (#shocked LOL) and I have never seen Clark do a dunk off a trampoline. Southpaw has, you can see it on his IG. You only let your good friend use your stuff so I give a slight edge to Southpaw in this category.

Winner – Southpaw.

Outreach

Both of these guys do tons for the youth in Chicago. They both show up to help raise money for charities and bring a smile to those around them. Now one of them does it wearing pants, one doesn’t. We all like pants right?

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Winner – Southpaw.

Final tally = Southpaw- 4, Clark The Cub- 0. In what will be one of the only victories we have this weekend we should take pride in our mascot that at least has the decency to wear some pants when he’s around children. It’s only right.

If you travel up north to watch our boys this weekend, have fun but keep your wits about ya. I’ll be watching with my soon to be 2 year old and my 2 week old daughters. We’ll be waiting to see TA7 do the “Maury ‘I Ain’t The Father’ Dance” on home plate after he hits a dinger. Don’t even step Contreras, we’d hate to see you get beat down by Nino Brown. He’s more ruthless than Mia Khalifa, trust us.

Go Sox!

-MSS

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