This is tough to condense down to 5, so in order to do that, I am not including any current players. So despite being a huge fan of Tyler Saladino’s stache, he’s not on the list.
That also leaves off some other staches, like Derek Holland’s creepy porn stache and Danny Espinosa’s prop from the Beastie Boys’ Sabotage video.
Don’t adjust your monitor. Mustaches are old school, so we’re doing this in black and white.
Honorable Mention: Jim Joyce
It was gonna be tough to get an umpire into the top five, but Jim Joyce does rep a pretty bitchin’ stache. What further propelled him was that he was able to ruin Armando Galarraga’s career with a single blown call. Unfortunately, he cried about it like a little bitch, so he misses our top five. Nobody likes a soggy, tear-filled stache.
5 – Keith Hernandez
Keith Hernandez has had a glorious stache for as long as I can remember. So much so that he does commercials where he talks smack about other people’s staches. He would surely say my very peppered stache is trashed. Between those commercials, it’s appearance on Seinfeld, and the amount of cocaine trapped in it, Hernandez’s stache has the highest net worth on this list.
4 – Garry Maddox
What I love about the Garry Maddox stache is that I imagine on the day he was getting his photo taken, he woke up with a full beard. Then he thought to himself, I should really trim this down to a mustache for my pic. And then, with two strokes of a bic razor, he declared to the world that this is a mustache.
3 – Rollie Fingers
You probably thought Rollie would be number 1. Most people think of him when baseball AND mustache are used together in a sentence. While I agree he has a great stache, it just looks like too much work to be that fun of a stache. If you want to get creeped out, stare into his mustache and repeat his name three times, not as a name, but as a statement of fact.
2 – Al “The Mad Hungarian” Hrabosky
This is an epic stache. You look at this and you immediately forget about Goose Gossage, which I obviously did. This mustache is so bad ass, men are afraid to grow one because it might crawl off their face in the middle of the night and bang their wife.
1 – Wade Boggs
Wade Boggs tops our list not only because of his beautiful stache, but because he is 108 material. That stache has seen a lot. Think of all the fried chicken that has passed through it, the tremendous amount of beers on that mythical cross country flight, and we won’t even get into how many “dugouts” that push broom has swept through. And through all of that, the stache came out the other side looking perfect.
I know I left out some fantastic mustaches like Mike Schmidt, Eddie Murray, and Donny Baseball just to name a few. But there was only room for 5. Feel free to hit us up on Twitter or Facebook with the staches we missed.